My cats are jealous of my laptop

Yes, you read that right. The cats are jealous of the laptop.

They think they are the rightful occupants of my lap, not that thing which is clearly not a cat. One of them in particular, (we’ll call him “Fluffy” to protect the not-so-innocent) perceives my keystrokes as petting and chin scratching of which he should be receiving. Whenever I am working on my laptop, Fluffy sits next to my chair and glares balefully at the intruder of his space (as he is literally doing right now as I write this).

Fluffy has attempted to camp out on my lap even when I’m using my computer, but as we know, two objects cannot occupy the same space at one time, and he gets unceremoniously shoved onto the floor. I’ve reminded him that in this house, we obey the laws of physics, but he’s a cat. He doesn’t care.

Holstein—oops, I mean Fluffy just hissed at the laptop. It’s not the first time. The laptop is unperturbed when he does this.

Fluffy glares with a vengeance, though. You can just see the feline vitriol shooting through his gaze and if looks could kill, the laptop would have a virus. (Then I imagine that my cat would assume a smug look worthy of Jeff Goldblum and manage to think the words “The package has been delivered.” Then maybe that non-feline metal bastard would care.)

Fluffy’s brother, “Stupid” (name changed to protect the…well, stupid) does not share as much of his brother’s antipathy towards the metal lap-stealer. Stupid sits and yowls for a minute, then does the feline equivalent of shrugging and wanders over to the food bowl.

You would think that Stupid would bear the brunt of Fluffy’s familial attacks, but I don’t call them the Brothers Dim for nothing. Stupid is spared Fluffy attacks and the laptop is mercilessly glared at and taunted. (“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”)

I have considered doing what any frazzled mother who is tired of fighting children does: forcing Fluffy, Stupid, and my computer to hug and yell at them “You are all going to LOVE each other!”

Don’t worry, I haven’t done that. The cats would just glare at me and the computer doesn’t have arms with which to hug.

I have an older brother and a younger sister so I am no stranger to sibling fighting. It’s a part of life when you have siblings – knuckle punches, Hertz donuts, Smurf bites, Indian burns, the dreaded Rear Admiral, tattling, ganging up on each other, you name it. But you grow out of it, hopefully none the worse for the wear, and with a healthy respect for your older sibling – who now that he is a COP, has a whole new arsenal of weapons to potentially use against me.

That being said, I am afraid that one day I will come home and my laptop will have been duct taped to a streetlight as I, ahem, may have done to my sister once upon a time.

(What?! I let her go eventually.)