I will be so proud if my kid...

I don’t have any kids right now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have high hopes for any future progeny of mine. And, unlike hopes that one day they’ll rule the world with an iron fist (although that would be wicked cool); I think these aspirations are actually attainable. Let me explain.

1. Every year in church, the kids from ages 5-11 put on a program in church. I hated doing this program with a passion, but never actually had the guts to make it known just how much I hated the program. That being said, since I had to suffer through the program year after year, little Scooby and Chicky-babe have to suffer through it as well. However, I would be the proudest mother in the congregation if little Scooby or Chicky-babe were to do the program with vampire fangs stuck in their mouths. Or if they wanted to go the whole hog and wear glasses with eyes attached to slinkies, that would be okay, too. Of course, I would have to act mortified in church, but, oh man, Christmas would come early for any child of mine who had the stones to do something like that in church.

2. If my kids could learn how to whale on the guitar like a rock star, and not like the pathetic wannabe like I am (please refer to a previous post of mine), I would be so proud of my little Guitar Heroes. If Scooby or Chicky-babe were to become so proficient on the guitar as to make it big in the rock world, well, then I’ll be right there to borrow money from them like the good sponge..errr, I mean, mother I’ll be someday.

3. I would be tres exultant if one of my spawn could belch the entire alphabet in one go. YES, I know it’s gross and I would be horribly mortified and humiliated if it were to occur in public, but let me ask you this. Have you ever heard a little kid actually belch the entire alphabet? I have and I nearly gave myself an aneurysm, I laughed so hard. It was hysterically funny and I decided then and there that if I had a kid that could do that, it would be pretty kick ass. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it is possible that I would have a kid who could do that. Future Granddad has some prowess in that area, so Scooby (preferably) has a good chance.
There is a silver lining to this gastronomical feat: if a child of mine had the lung capacity to actually belch the alphabet, then that kid is getting signed up for voice lessons because clearly, I have a potential opera singer on my hands or at least, be able to belt out Bohemian Rhapsody, falsetto and all.
(I feel the need to reiterate the fact that I do NOT want my child to exhibit this particular talent in public. Save it for the frat house, Scooby.)

4. If my kids are smart-asses to me or Future Hottie-Husband, they’ll find themselves in a world of hurt. But if Scooby or Chicky-babe can deliver an attitude worthy of Shannen Dougherty at her worst, to someone who needs to be taken down a peg, then I shall call them Mini-me and we will sing “Just the Two of Us” duets just like Doctor Evil and HIS Mini-Me.

5. A debate can be aptly described as choreography of words, the dance of death. (Excuse me while I wax poetical.) I would be so proud if Scooby or Chicky-babe can hold their own in a hardcore debate. I’m speaking, of course, of the fine art of the rap battle. I would love to have my own little rapper who can throw down with the best of them while keeping it clean. And if I get this response after I tell my kid to pick up his crap for the tenth time or else it’s going in the trash: “I’ll pick it up cuz I ain’t no punk beeyotch”, I will reply with pride “Word.”

Of course, I’ll be proud of all of Scooby and Chicky-babe’s accomplishments, big or small. These are just a few of which I would feel compelled to brag about.

However, if when asked what Mummy wants Daddy to get her for her birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, anniversary, Boxing Day, Valentine’s Day, or any day that ends in ‘y’ gift and Scooby or Chicky-babe say “Mummy likes diamonds”, then that kid gets an all-expenses paid trip to college for four years.

I know I’ve left something out, so if there is something particularly funny and praise-worthy that your kids have done and you feel that it’s something I should be proud of if my kid did, let me know! Or just feel free to brag about your talented little genius.